I'm NOT okay, but I don't want to admit it
As a first time author people will ask me, am I writing another book. My response will always be I’m not sure, if God tells me to. I am not sure if another book will happen, but there is some things I needed to say in a less formal manner. Over this past month, I had numerous conversations about not being okay. In therapy I say to my clients all the time it’s okay, not to be okay, but do I live by that? Admitting you’re not okay, is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Approaching the first year after the loss of my sister became a HUGE challenge. I began to feel sad/ down and pushed people away. I didn't want them to see that I wasn't "good". As time went on I had to acknowledge I needed more help, than what I could do for myself. So, I went back to therapy to try and process what was wrong. Was I lonely, angry, sad, was it due to the fact it had been a year since my sister was gone?? I struggled with finding the why, rather than feeling the feelings.
We fast forward some time and I am starting to feel better, happier, a little bit more like myself. Yet, something felt a little off. I was still going through the motions, I just felt a little "less sad". When talking with friends they asked if I was resentful that being alone is my "new normal". I quickly said, "No, It is what it is, I am just trying to adjust to being by myself and not always leaning on friends and family". After talking to through a little bit more I was resentful about a lot of things. I was mad/sad my sister was gone and that my life was not where I thought it would be at this age. It feels unfair, that something was taken and nothing was given.
My friends asked why don't you take time to just feel, whether it be anger or sadness, or just heal. When thinking about the WHY, the first reason was because I am scared. What if I allow myself to be sad... will that overtake me and I will be stuck there? The second reason, what if I took the time to be sad or in this case "not okay". I would have to admit to myself I was simply not okay. In that alone, I don't want to, I want to be okay so I tell myself I am, so others see that, and then it must just be true. Let me tell you all something, it is not true. You are just lying to yourself. For me it wasn't about anyone else, being strong for so and so... I just so badly wanted to be okay I began to tell myself I was, but those around me could see I wasn't. I am so thankful for that! If you are in the season of not being okay, I just want to let you know it's okay. You don't always have to be strong for others, or for yourself. The first step towards being okay, is simply acknowledging that you are aren't. So, my dear readers, I am not okay, my cup is empty, but this too shall pass. Because storms were never meant to stay hovering over one place, that cloud will move and you will see the sun again!